Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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