so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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