i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Randomize
