WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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