He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
