When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
