Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
