How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
