I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
