Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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