i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
