So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize