I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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