I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
