is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
