At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
