yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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