Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
