I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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