last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Alive.
So much puke
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
