Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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