life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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