You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
