booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
