remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
