Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
