Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
