i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
PANTIES FOUND
True college students do jello shots in the library
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
