my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
