fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize