when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
