So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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