No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
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