I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
