Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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