Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
