if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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