Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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