Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
