i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
