Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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