those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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