tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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