Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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