I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
