my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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