it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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