Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize