Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
