She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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