please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
