think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We had to coat check the pizza.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
