whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
