she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
she woke up with a sticky ear
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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