I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
