I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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