in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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