I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
